...so i touched it.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
