so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
