all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
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All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
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She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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