Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
