okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
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We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
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He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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