I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
