Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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