So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm just crazy horny about you
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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