he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
