Fine. I'll sleep in my office
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
