it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Couch. On fire.
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