dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
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I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
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I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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