why didn't you poke me back
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.