I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
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You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
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He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks