Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
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I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
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Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.