Swine flu is the new snow day.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later