I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
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and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
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You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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