today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
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mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize