i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
