Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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