Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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