i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.