Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
