I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
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Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
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I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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