just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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