just tell him i said nine months
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
