he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle