i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Let's paint friendship bongs
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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