i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
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They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
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How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.