I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
