did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck