my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
