Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
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All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
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No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have fence marks all over my body
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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