maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
