I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
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