I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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