I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
