I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
