Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
