you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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