Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
