I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
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Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
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You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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