I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.