I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.