dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
