I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"