Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.