I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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