Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha