She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
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It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
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So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits