am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
They should really pass out barf bags in church
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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