Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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