I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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