The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.