I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
