I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
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I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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