Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
